I have this very difficult habit of never be alone.
That's perhaps why I did a Public Relations degree, or why I have worked with Social Responsibility - connecting people in the same cause. Or even Internal Communications, speaking to someone. You never "communicate" alone. My bartender job, my waitress job, my hostess/ assistant job. They all involve people. Hospitality is about people. People plus people equals not to be alone.
Fine. So I decided to come to Australia, happily in the company of Fla Daryns, a great mate. I decided to move into my first own apartment, where my name appeared in the lease. My first important signature, my own space, my passport to become an aussie temporary resident. All accompanied by people. Nina, Annie, Jib. Being honest, those two last ones are thai girls whose name I could not dare to speak. We simply call them Annie and Jib and whatever funny-named letter reaches my mailbox:
- Hi, gals! You've got mail.
(Nina, a brazilian gorgeous Charlotte friend o'mine, would say: "It must be one of them")
Anyways. Always, always with people. The thought of wondering about in a mall by myself mortifies me most of the time. I feel vulnerable, alone, annoyed. So I made a commitment to myself not to let the "Loneliness" hit me in the face.
- Get out, I said. Get out of my life. I can go to the beach alone.
The beach alone. I love tanning, I love swimming, I love being brown. And browner. But I can't seem to find fun down the beach by myself. I can go and enjoy it for maybe an hour, but I need people. It is much more fun when Steven comes with me. Even though I hardly wanna talk, I just wanna sit and be. It feels really lonely Veri by Veri. Veri likes people around.
Fine.
So everyday is a fight "me against me" to convince me to go to the beach. Half me (Veri) wants to be browner and sexier. Half me (Diana) is fine in the couch, talking to Carrie Bradshaw. I feel so guilty when I don't go to the beach due to loneliness that sometimes I feel relieved when I wake up and it's cloudy.
- Wow. I don't have to chose, there's no choice. I can't go to the beach.
What kind o' person preferes having a choice made for them rather than chose: " No, I don't feel like being alone down the beach today, I won't go in". I've heard myself saying this so many times by now that I feel sorry for me at times. Too many choices leads you to depression, I was told once. Your short memory can store up to 6 names and if you try to go beyond that, you get into a state of panick and - bum! - collapse.
I totally agree. Sometimes in shoe stores I find so many choices that I end up leaving with nothing. And sad. But going or not going to the beach is just a matter of 2 names. Beach or couch? (However, I do love when the weather decided for me).
Sick of making decisions.
And just for the record I have about 30 pairs of shoes here. And I am limiting myself to bring 15.
Yeah. I might sell them. Or give to the Salvo.
bacio!
ps. I have 30 pairs of shoes and inist in using the same over and over and over again...
